Subject: New! Giving Love by S. Proto
Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1999
Category: Vignette, MulderAngst
Rating: PG13 for language
Spoilers: through season six
Summary: Dealing with internal and external nemeses.
Archive: Yes
Disclaimer: Chris Carter owns 'em. I'm just borrowing 'em.
I'll give 'em
back. Later.
The site addy for Susan's Garden (courtesy of the incredible
Shirley
Smiley/Web Mistress Supreme of MTA) is:
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Chamber/4819/index.html
Some additional author notes at the end.
Thanks Vickie for appreciating the reason behind the reticence
on this one,
and giving me the encouragement to be brave and post it!
Thanks in advance for all of your kind words, past and future.
Please send e-mail comments to: STPteach@aol.com
Giving Love
by Susan Proto (STPteach@aol.com)
Part 1/1
I make my way through the bullpen, cursing and muttering yet
again about the
injustices of the world. Kersh has decided to ride my ass again,
and I decide
to let the world know I don't exactly appreciate it. The
sonofabitch's
routine is really getting old, and I don't have any qualms about
letting
everyone else know exactly how I feel.
He says I'm a liability. He says I pull people down to my
level. He says,
get this, he says I don't appreciate what a consummate FBI agent
Dana Scully
is, and if I had a shred of decency, I'd cut the umbilical cord
and let the
woman go on her merry way.
The shmuck doesn't have a clue, does he? I've been trying to
push that
little birdie out of the nest for years now, but she's never
flown away.
And I thank God every waking moment that she chooses to stay.
But I would never, ever begrudge her the decision to move on.
Especially now.
She has no business being stuck in the middle of this God damned
bullpen,
making countless phone call after phone call to do routine
background checks.
What a waste of a talent. What a waste for anyone.
Even me, maybe.
But definitely a waste of Scully's time and skills. I told her
once to leave;
go be a doctor I said. I'm always trying to push her away, and
yet at the
same time, I dread the moment she says, 'Okay, I'll go.' That's
the day I die
inside.
So now I'm walking around to my desk and see Scully watching
me and listening
to my rants and raves. But something is wrong. Something doesn't
sit right.
I know Scully had been in to see Kersh directly before me, but we
hadn't had a
chance to compare notes until now.
What's wrong? I look at the tears forming in the corners of
her eyes. She's
looking at me, and I see there's a question in her gaze, and I
don't know why.
Oh God, Scully, you're crying. Please. Don't cry.
Whatever it is, please don't cry.
"What did he say?" I ask aloud.
She says, in a quiet, but sad, voice, "He feels we're not
team players. He
feels you're out to take care of your needs and everyone else be
damned. He
says I'm one of the damned."
"No!" I cry out, ''No." I look at her face
which is so full of uncertainty,
and all I want to do is embrace her, and hold her, and will her
to believe in
me as I believe in her.
"Scully, I may not tell you enough, and I promise to make
that my New Year's
resolution, but you do so much for me. I know I can make life
difficult for
you, for me, well, for us. But Scully, don't you know it's you
who makes it
worth my while to get up in the morning and face this shitty job?
"I won't quit because I don't want them to win, but
Scully, you give me what I
need. You pick me up when I feel so down and depressed that I
wonder if I'll
ever see the sun again. Scully, you give so much of yourself to
me. I don't
know what I'd do without you."
I look at her and see she wants to believe me; I know I
believe in her. And
I know I can make it through the day knowing she's here, in my
corner, ready
to support me no matter what. Now, really, Scully, I know saving
my ass isn't
exactly what most people would live for, but you've gotten used
to me, right?
I mean, I'm no bargain a lot of the time, but I'm worth something
to you in
your eyes, aren't I?
"Scully," I assure her, "you're _the_ person I
count on in this world. I
know you know that already, and we all know how the world and I
don't mix too
well most of the time. When the world abandons me, you're always
there to
pick me up, dust me off, and kick me in the butt to go back and
try again.
You give me everything, Scully. Everything, and I wish I could
give you back
even more."
She's looking back at me now, and I think I see the hint of a
smile. Kersh's
diatribe is ebbing away in both of our minds. All we both see now
are the
dreams we now hold; once only my dreams and shared most
hesitantly. Now they
are hopes and quests for the future we hold together. Together we
dream.
"Scully, you make the days worth enduring. I know things
will get better. I
have faith we'll get the X-Files back someday, because I am
confident you
share in my dreams; our dreams."
Though I only have eyes for her, I feel another's on me. I
turn my gaze
toward the direction of the AD's office. Kersh is standing just
outside the
bullpen, apparently eavesdropping with all the grace of an
elephant in
Tiffany's.
I now stare at him, willing him to make eye contact with me.
You bastard, you
can't do this. You will never be able to separate us. She is
everything to
me. Everything.
When the world is falling apart around me, my Scully is there
to help me make
sense of it.
When the world is showing its usual indifference and leaves me
to fend for
myself, my Scully is there to mend the fences and lead me back to
a reality
that shows caring as well.
When I feel like there is no reason, whatsoever to go on, my
Scully only needs
to look at me, and I know the reason is about five foot two and
has lovely red
hair. Only my Scully can turn my despair around.
She holds me when I need a friend to hold me.
She gives me love.
And when I've lost my hope, she picks me up and, I'll be
damned if I know how,
but she carries me on those petite little shoulders of hers for
as long as I
need her to.
So you can go to hell, AD Kersh, I think to myself.
Scully looks at me, and then at Kersh. Suddenly, in a soft,
but decidedly
brazen tone, she says, "You can go to hell__. Sir."
That's my girl.
Anytime I can return the favor G-Woman, you just let me know.
I can give you love, too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
End of part 1/1
Author Note:
Yes, this was a songfic. Well, the 'STP' version of songfic,
anyway. I'm
sure if there are any Faith Hill fans out there, you may have
recognized the
scenario from the second cut of her "This Kiss" album,
called "You Give Me
Love," by Matraca Berg/Jim Photogio/Harry Stinson. I don't
own these words,
but I have admittedly borrowed liberally from the ideas (and
yeah,
occasionally the words too, darn it!) of these fine people. I
include the
lyrics now, just so you'll have an idea as to exactly why I felt
this song
could have been actually sung by Mulder himself
(if he could
sing that is
.and
since this is my version of songfic, I wouldn't even dare to have
him try!
<G>)
I don't foresee me making a habit out of this writing this
genre, but I'd
really appreciate it if you let me know if this worked in any
kind of way
Feedback to STPteach@aol.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You Give Me Love* (3:37)
(Matraca Berg/Jim Photoglo/Harry Stinson)
You turn around
Then you ask me behind tears of doubt
Just what do I see in you
Please don't cry
I know sometimes it seems
we barely get by
But you don't see how much you do
To get me through
When the world is cold
And I need a friend to hold
You give me love... you give me love
And when my hope is gone
And I feel I can't go on
You pick me up
You give me love... you give me love
I apologize
If I never told you
what you are in my eyes
Oh baby, let me tell you now
Every day
Looks sweeter knowing you'll be there
in every way
Now how can you say that's not enough
'Cause when the world is cold
And I need a friend to hold
You give me love... you give me love
And when my hope is gone
And I feel I can't go on
You pick me up
You give me love, you give me
Everything my heart desires
Morning sun and midnight fires
Someone there to share my dreams
With you I have everything
When the world is cold
And I need a friend to hold
You give me love... you give me love
And when my hope is gone
And I feel I can't go on
You pick me up
You give me love
Yeah,when the world is cold
And I need a friend to hold
You give me love... you give me love
And when my hope is gone
And I feel I can't go on
You pick me up
You give me love