Subject: New! Giving Love by S. Proto
Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1999

Category: Vignette, MulderAngst

Rating: PG13 for language

Spoilers: through season six

Summary: Dealing with internal and external nemeses.

Archive: Yes

Disclaimer: Chris Carter owns 'em. I'm just borrowing 'em. I'll give 'em
back. Later.

The site addy for Susan's Garden (courtesy of the incredible Shirley
Smiley/Web Mistress Supreme of MTA) is:

Some additional author notes at the end.

Thanks Vickie for appreciating the reason behind the reticence on this one,
and giving me the encouragement to be brave and post it!

Thanks in advance for all of your kind words, past and future.
Please send e-mail comments to:

Giving Love
by Susan Proto (

Part 1/1

I make my way through the bullpen, cursing and muttering yet again about the
injustices of the world. Kersh has decided to ride my ass again, and I decide
to let the world know I don't exactly appreciate it. The sonofabitch's
routine is really getting old, and I don't have any qualms about letting
everyone else know exactly how I feel.

He says I'm a liability. He says I pull people down to my level. He says,
get this, he says I don't appreciate what a consummate FBI agent Dana Scully
is, and if I had a shred of decency, I'd cut the umbilical cord and let the
woman go on her merry way.

The shmuck doesn't have a clue, does he? I've been trying to push that
little birdie out of the nest for years now, but she's never flown away.

And I thank God every waking moment that she chooses to stay.

But I would never, ever begrudge her the decision to move on. Especially now.
She has no business being stuck in the middle of this God damned bullpen,
making countless phone call after phone call to do routine background checks.
What a waste of a talent. What a waste for anyone.

Even me, maybe.

But definitely a waste of Scully's time and skills. I told her once to leave;
go be a doctor I said. I'm always trying to push her away, and yet at the
same time, I dread the moment she says, 'Okay, I'll go.' That's the day I die

So now I'm walking around to my desk and see Scully watching me and listening
to my rants and raves. But something is wrong. Something doesn't sit right.
I know Scully had been in to see Kersh directly before me, but we hadn't had a
chance to compare notes until now.

What's wrong? I look at the tears forming in the corners of her eyes. She's
looking at me, and I see there's a question in her gaze, and I don't know why.

Oh God, Scully, you're crying. Please. Don't cry.

Whatever it is, please don't cry.

"What did he say?" I ask aloud.

She says, in a quiet, but sad, voice, "He feels we're not team players. He
feels you're out to take care of your needs and everyone else be damned. He
says I'm one of the damned."

"No!" I cry out, ''No." I look at her face which is so full of uncertainty,
and all I want to do is embrace her, and hold her, and will her to believe in
me as I believe in her.

"Scully, I may not tell you enough, and I promise to make that my New Year's
resolution, but you do so much for me. I know I can make life difficult for
you, for me, well, for us. But Scully, don't you know it's you who makes it
worth my while to get up in the morning and face this shitty job?

"I won't quit because I don't want them to win, but Scully, you give me what I
need. You pick me up when I feel so down and depressed that I wonder if I'll
ever see the sun again. Scully, you give so much of yourself to me. I don't
know what I'd do without you."

I look at her and see she wants to believe me; I know I believe in her. And
I know I can make it through the day knowing she's here, in my corner, ready
to support me no matter what. Now, really, Scully, I know saving my ass isn't
exactly what most people would live for, but you've gotten used to me, right?
I mean, I'm no bargain a lot of the time, but I'm worth something to you in
your eyes, aren't I?

"Scully," I assure her, "you're _the_ person I count on in this world. I
know you know that already, and we all know how the world and I don't mix too
well most of the time. When the world abandons me, you're always there to
pick me up, dust me off, and kick me in the butt to go back and try again.
You give me everything, Scully. Everything, and I wish I could give you back
even more."

She's looking back at me now, and I think I see the hint of a smile. Kersh's
diatribe is ebbing away in both of our minds. All we both see now are the
dreams we now hold; once only my dreams and shared most hesitantly. Now they
are hopes and quests for the future we hold together. Together we dream.

"Scully, you make the days worth enduring. I know things will get better. I
have faith we'll get the X-Files back someday, because I am confident you
share in my dreams; our dreams."

Though I only have eyes for her, I feel another's on me. I turn my gaze
toward the direction of the AD's office. Kersh is standing just outside the
bullpen, apparently eavesdropping with all the grace of an elephant in

I now stare at him, willing him to make eye contact with me. You bastard, you
can't do this. You will never be able to separate us. She is everything to
me. Everything.

When the world is falling apart around me, my Scully is there to help me make
sense of it.

When the world is showing its usual indifference and leaves me to fend for
myself, my Scully is there to mend the fences and lead me back to a reality
that shows caring as well.

When I feel like there is no reason, whatsoever to go on, my Scully only needs
to look at me, and I know the reason is about five foot two and has lovely red
hair. Only my Scully can turn my despair around.

She holds me when I need a friend to hold me.

She gives me love.

And when I've lost my hope, she picks me up and, I'll be damned if I know how,
but she carries me on those petite little shoulders of hers for as long as I
need her to.

So you can go to hell, AD Kersh, I think to myself.

Scully looks at me, and then at Kersh. Suddenly, in a soft, but decidedly
brazen tone, she says, "You can go to hell__. Sir."

That's my girl.

Anytime I can return the favor G-Woman, you just let me know.

I can give you love, too.

End of part 1/1

Author Note:
Yes, this was a songfic. Well, the 'STP' version of songfic, anyway. I'm
sure if there are any Faith Hill fans out there, you may have recognized the
scenario from the second cut of her "This Kiss" album, called "You Give Me
Love," by Matraca Berg/Jim Photogio/Harry Stinson. I don't own these words,
but I have admittedly borrowed liberally from the ideas (and yeah,
occasionally the words too, darn it!) of these fine people. I include the
lyrics now, just so you'll have an idea as to exactly why I felt this song
could have been actually sung by Mulder himself…(if he could sing that is….and
since this is my version of songfic, I wouldn't even dare to have him try!

I don't foresee me making a habit out of this writing this genre, but I'd
really appreciate it if you let me know if this worked in any kind of way…

Feedback to

You Give Me Love* (3:37)
(Matraca Berg/Jim Photoglo/Harry Stinson)

You turn around
Then you ask me behind tears of doubt
Just what do I see in you
Please don't cry
I know sometimes it seems
we barely get by
But you don't see how much you do
To get me through

When the world is cold
And I need a friend to hold
You give me love... you give me love
And when my hope is gone
And I feel I can't go on
You pick me up
You give me love... you give me love

I apologize
If I never told you
what you are in my eyes
Oh baby, let me tell you now
Every day
Looks sweeter knowing you'll be there
in every way
Now how can you say that's not enough

'Cause when the world is cold
And I need a friend to hold
You give me love... you give me love
And when my hope is gone
And I feel I can't go on
You pick me up
You give me love, you give me

Everything my heart desires
Morning sun and midnight fires
Someone there to share my dreams
With you I have everything

When the world is cold
And I need a friend to hold
You give me love... you give me love
And when my hope is gone
And I feel I can't go on
You pick me up
You give me love

Yeah,when the world is cold
And I need a friend to hold
You give me love... you give me love
And when my hope is gone
And I feel I can't go on
You pick me up
You give me love